Thoughts from Culhwch

Some days at work seem really busy, and yet simultaneously unproductive. Sometimes you get a problem that just stares you back for an hour, and you keep trying to fix it, until you finally try a different approach. You solve the problem, but you feel like you have spent way too long. Have you been productive? Sure, I solved this problem or that problem, but I hate that it took so long. I think it’s my patience to keep trying to solve a problem that my boss really noticed in the first couple of weeks. I keep to it often when others would just walk away. I guess the thing I often question is whether or not it was worth it.

There are some problems I will never solve. And sometimes it takes just as much courage to back off from the problem as to keep staring at it.

When I was a young child I used to be completely unable to walk away from a problem. I think this expressed itself as a kind of perfectionism. My mom used to tell me that I had to make a decision to leave my projects undone, because I would never be able to finish them if I continually searched out new problems to solve. But now, I’m starting to wonder if this was really perfectionism, or just an inability to back away.

It’s hard for someone who simply loves solving problems to get to that point of backing away. For me, every problem I encounter is like a puzzle. It’s a kind of game that I get to play, try to beat or win. My grandfather noticed that side of me, and often gave me brain teaser puzzles to solve. I loved it. A new puzzle made me giddy. But it wasn’t just my love of puzzles that made happy. I really liked having the opportunity to prove myself, to prove that I could solve the most difficult challenges. The same puzzle seeking served me well in Math and Science, but it also drove me to seek problems I found more interesting in Literature and the humanities. And yet, the whole drive to prove myself has often been dangerous. Sometimes I have put proving myself ahead of actually getting work done.

This whole fascination with puzzles is a huge part of who I am, but I think it also makes it difficult to relate to others. It’s not that I try to solve everybody else’s problems (or do I?). It’s more that I cannot keep from talking about the problems I have solved. I must seem incredibly narcissistic.  I hope it’s clear that I often just want to invite others to celebrate. I want others to see the beauty of a solution to a problem.

I guess that’s something to think about.