Thoughts from Culhwch

I’ve noticed this attitude about myself over the past few weeks. It seems like I’m waiting. I’m not sure I can describe all of it, I just noticed that I have a lot to wait for. A job, an apartment, a graduation ceremony, a trip back home. There are so many things that are going to happen and have happened over the last month that I have almost no control over, that I have just decided to wait for them to happen. Now I don’t mean to say that I feel like I don’t have any agency over my life, or anything of the sort. It’s just I have come to one of those big points in life where everything suddenly changes, and I have to wait for the next step, and take it when I see it.

Maybe it’s something like the feeling that God has been guiding my life and has planned out my path. What I do is step here, and hop along over there, and run a bit, and maybe fly, but I go from each point to each point, and for awhile I just stay put until I can see where I’m going. Some step really stretch me in new ways. In way that I’m not used to. I start having new conversations which feel really awkward. I start thinking seriously about my finances, about what I owe on my college loans. And I start figuring out how to actually pay them off. Suddenly, it’s not so scary anymore, even though there are a whole host of unknowns.

At the same time, I think I’m starting to get to a point where I can make a few plans. I’m starting to get to that point in life where all those little hints that I felt, when God would tug this way or that on my heart, are starting to become things that I can pursue. Maybe I should list them out, or put them here so I can think about them. First, I want to be doing something with regard to social justice, finding ways of making life better for those less fortunate than myself. Second, I want to use my skill’s as a writer to minister to people. Third, I want to work on a project of literary theory/theology. I think all three of these are really linked together, in some deep and profound way, but I’m not really sure how. I wonder if the last one has a bigger role to play in how they all fit together. Even if it seems to have a lower priority in my life.

If life is like a roller coaster right now, it is also like that point when a roller coaster can be either scary or fun. It is scary whenever we forget the care with which the builder studied every curve to make sure it would all work. It’s fun, when we remember that it’s going to take us new places, show us new heights, and new depths, and be full of new experiences, when we remember the builder’s plans.

~david