Thoughts from Culhwch

For the first time in months, I can actually sit back for a second and try to take it all in. In a week, I’ll get my degree, and hopefully get a job and apartment… and the list goes on, such that I fail to actually take it all in anyway. I guess I’m feeling a tad bit overwhelmed by it all. I guess that’s normal. Only I just now have the time to actually feel overwhelmed. I don’t think it’s a bad kind of overwhelmed either. I think it’s more of a feeling that I cannot possible keep track of everything, or manage it all, or really even come close to making it work out. But I guess, at the same time, I’m just trusting that it will. Or, more accurately, that God will be in this big transition and make it all work out.

At the same time, I sometimes wonder if that attitude isn’t quite right. Am I just writing off God as this strange force which makes my life happy, when I don’t deserve it? -or when I can’t make myself happy? I don’t know. I don’t mean that I’m unhappy, more that I cannot figure out if I’m really playing my part.

I think sometimes big life changes are good, though. They make us sit back and examine where we are and what we are doing. Are we living out the message of the gospel. Are we forgetting about it? Are we assuming that the gospel is only a kind of toy just to make us happy. Or are we believing that it is the power of God? Do we believe that Christ is lord? Do we act on that belief? Sometimes shaking up the flow of life makes us look back at the priorities. What stays? What goes? What needs changing? What things have become automatic, for good or bad?

I’m looking forward to life outside the academy. And in a certain way, I think I really need it. I don’t want to write just about the academy, I want to write about all of life, and in order for that to make any sense at all, I have to experience it. I’m also looking forward to working on something new. I’m looking forward to seeing how my education fits in with what I’m going to do.

I’m also dreading a few things. I’m dreading moving away, and partially afraid that I’m going to lose something, that I’m going to miss my friends, that I’m going to miss school, that I’m going to miss some part of me that will always be connected with the academy.

But on the whole, I just find myself a little lost. I mean, not really lost, but more like that moment this afternoon when I was driving on streets that were new, and I didn’t know exactly where I was. I knew that I was close to familiar roads, but at the same time I wasn’t really sure if I was going the right way to my destination. I think that’s what it feels like. Sure, graduating is fun and all, and I know the outline of where I’m going, but the path I’ve taken and the road I’m on are a little unfamiliar, unknown. Half of me is dying for the adventure, and half of me is just a little less confident than I would like.

I would try to tie it all into something deep or profound, or theological. But for the moment, I’m not sure if I have it in me to write it out. I think can only follow, and not lead. Only wait and see what God’s got for me, but not really try to peak around the corner.

And yet, I want to get it all over with too. I want to get through this week so I can finally get to the other side of this adventure and start the next one.

~david

ps If you know any Christian guys looking for a roommate in NYC, let me know.